I Am Less Racist Than All of You
How I used inaudible identity posturing to become the least racist peckerwood ever.
My journey to the top of the least racist heap began by simply putting one performative outrage statement in front of the other and just moving ever forward. Now mind you this does not mean I am not racist. I am white, so of course I am. I am just the least racist white person among us. To understand this I would like to first define racism.
The 20th century was a heady time. In the last few decades meddlesome white scholars sought to disenfranchise the term 'racism' from concepts like prejudice, bigotry and supremacism. These ivory tower chuckle monkeys wanted to redefine racism as 'embedded structural inequality' and differentiate it from mere personal and habitual hatred. Can you even believe that? Well let me tell you, that is not my racism. I am taking it back old school before a procession of caucasian nerd elite ruined everything. Racism is once again bigotry, prejudice and supremacy. And also just being white and not being attacked by the system, which is definitely a privilege and advantage, and not just the normal expected outcomes which you shouldn’t receive credit for regardless of race.
The only way a white person like myself can even begin to transcend their racism is to constantly point fingers at everything and everyone and attribute racism for whatever is happening. Whenever you are talking about how racist others are, in those moments, you are not at all racist. Using this formula I have become the least racist person ever.
I have learned how to vocalize racist accusations, outrage and clap backs at a level below human hearing and without moving my lips. At every waking moment possible I am transcending my racism by saying things racists definitely would not say, so quietly that nobody can even hear them.
Of course there is one major issue. Whenever I sleep, drink, eat or have conversations about topics other than racism — I must cease my inaudible murmurs and become fully racist for those periods. I am happy to say that I have lost almost 20 pounds and have trained myself to require less than four hours of sleep a day, which I estimate makes me racist less than 25% of the day!
This is what I am talking about. This is why I am no doubt less racist than any of you klanstanding crackers. Within a year I hope to cut sleep out altogether and dine solely on the rays of the sun. If I take a vow of silence and hydrate intravenously I should be able to reduce my racism to brief moments when I sneeze and cough and yawn. Someday I may even eradicate those intrusions and escape racism altogether with uninterrupted repetitions of subvocal mantras about how much more unbelievably racist everybody else is compared to me. Take that, Medium!
Update: I was just informed by my very dark doctor that I could intake water and nutrients via enema, so I shall commence doing so forthwith. This is good news because lets face it, the sun with all its white light, kinda racist.