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Uh, guys, newspeak wasn’t a suggestion.

UNWANTED SEX: A Guide to Obfuscating the Crimes of Cops With Jiggery Pokery

A handy guide to softening the news of crimes committed by current and former law enforcement officials.

The Associated Press, the source of a vast majority of American news, released an article today with the following headline:

To clear up my confusion about the language they had used, I e-mailed them to inquire about their particular choice of words. Soon after they ‘clarified’ it, followed by hundreds of news outlets across the nation that had re-reported the story.

[[Gee, this seems to be becoming a thing elsewhere in the media, too.]]

Well silly ol’ me, right? How could I have possibly confused non-consensual sex with rape?

But hey, I get it. These brave men and women in blue have courageously toiled to create the largest penal population in the history of the entire world. Without their tireless efforts to lock up people for victimless crimes, how else would the mega-rich owners of the industrial prison complex ever added more billions to their wealth? All that money in the hands of the few has to be good for the economy, right? I don’t even own a bow tie, but I am almost entirely sure of that.

Given police officer’s contribution to high society, the courts and media have a duty to lessen the magnitude of their offenses when they make an uh-oh. If you don’t like that you should move to space, you filthy commie.

So in order to help the media understand how bend their rhetoric in service of those who are currently, or were at some time in the past, making America great by locking it up more efficiently than any of all those other sally-ass countries have ever been able to do — here are a few suggestions for how to report their crimes.

Rape — Unwanted Sex, or Sexual Misconduct if you are super hard-line.

Murder — Unrequested Expiration

Kidnapping — Unsolicited Guests

Grand Theft Auto — Unsanctioned Auto Usage

Bank Robbery — Unapproved Loan

Pedophilia — Unwanted Sex with a Freeloader, or Sexual Misconduct with an Ungrateful Dependent

Anyhow, you see where I am going with this. So next time some Poverty to Prison Pipeline Plumber has a little legal accident, be sure to give them the benefit of the doubt by using language that the famous linguist George Orwell would approve of. And if in doubt, just use lots of ‘allegedly’s and portray the victims as the scum of the Earth they must certainly be to have deserved this.

Written by Joshua Scott Hotchkin, Unassociated Press

“I agree that nonsense makes perfect sense and that I am the Dungherder. I can put my foot right in the pile and get my slice-o-the pie.”

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